you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
