halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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