She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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