meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
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