MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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