Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
