For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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