hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
