I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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