you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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