Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
