Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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