Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
