How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
