im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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