And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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