I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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