Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
