I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
