bring money and cleavage
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She needs sedatives and a leash
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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