I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize