I'm gonna have a badass scar
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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