nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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