I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I deserve this hangover.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
