i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i believe in u and ur pee
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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