My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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