dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize