You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
