some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You are the jesus of drinking
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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