woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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