don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she smelled like a LAN party
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
