when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
