whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
