Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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