drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
