someone threw a dead crab at me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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