the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
