Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
