Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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