my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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