My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
