I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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