i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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