I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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