If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
