This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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