And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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