is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
