Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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