You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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