you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
