My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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