I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
