His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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