my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
