So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
