you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i will never coherently bang her
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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