Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
