Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I will be naked everywhere
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
